Let the day fall away in dirty streams down your cheeks.
I will comfort you.
When all the doors are shut and all the windows closed, you will find my open arms waiting.
Wrap yourself in this small peace.
This ember of hope burning lightly in your chest can still warm you.
I am the light inside you. I will keep away the dark.
Coming out of a loss, and my heart is broken. It is broken from the loss of something I never had. I recognize that. But I'll still cry for weeks and weeks. I'll still wish it were different. I'll still wonder if I could have stopped it. I'll wonder if it's my fault. But what I'm really mourning is my failure to heal the old wounds that led me to this place. I'm mourning the abandonment of myself that I allowed to happen over the last months. The abandonment of my intuition. The hushing of my inner guide. How easily I was turned against my own feelings and unease. How many times I was told I was loved, and how many times I knew I didn't feel it. But I let those words hush my own sense of what was happening. And that is what I'm really mourning. I thought I had come a long way, but there I was and here I am: back at the start.
The Star reminds us to look inward for answers instead of outward. She comes to us after the Tower card as we sit among the ruins of what we believed was truth. She is ready to help us heal. Help us accept the lesson we need to learn so that the next time we build, the foundation will be strong and we won’t find ourselves in this place again. At least not this EXACT place. I’m here again as I’ve been here many times. Now I’m paying attention though.
And that is where I sit: Blind-sided and struck. And I’m looking for answers. The Star has come to me in reverse today, and I know what that means. It means I’m not listening. I’m missing the point. I’m looking out and asking all the wrong questions. The answer isn’t outside of myself. This is the part I’ve always been missing. I can’t tell you who I am because I don’t know. And so I can’t be myself in a relationship because I don’t even know what that means. I’ve been missing from myself for a while.
This card is also related to the Strength (8) card. And it is strength that is required here to keep from falling into the animal mind. The panic and sadness of loss; real or imagined. It comes in waves and I wonder if strength means letting it. Letting myself go and letting myself come back.
What does strong look like?
Is it lying on the leaf covered ground crying?
Is it arms wrapped over head, head between knees, on the floor, under a table unable to get up?
What does it feel like?
Does it feel like strength or does if feel like dying?
Does it feel like weakness?
I cannot hear it over my wailing.
Is that keening sound the sound of strength?
Yes, they all say. Yes.
All the arms reaching down to pull me up.
Yes, we were there and that is strength.
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